BP announced that a so called "portal" - developed by a consortium of engineers from Haliburton and Stevens Institute of Technology - has been lowered around the oil leak. This "portal" opens into the 18th dimension, otherwise known as the "cosmic nexus", according to BP engineers. Initial measurements show that the portal is absorbing 100% of the oil, so that the sub-sea camera now shows a placid ocean floor.
The estimated 71 million gallons of oil, mixed with mud, natural gas and other materials, is now directly under the control of God, or, as some experts claim, a mindless but universal law or system of distribution. However this may be, at 8:37 this morning oil and detritus of exactly the same composition as was leaking into the gulf, began dropping out of the sky onto Washington D.C., directly onto the White House, which has been partially evacuated. The first family remains in residences, though the windows of the Oval office have been blocked by the flow of crude. The oil is running off the roof and flooding the east lawn, from where it is oozing out onto Pennsylvania avenue, blocking traffic and disrupting protest marches.
Though BP's action has saved the Mexican gulf region, president Obama's troubles are not over. President Obama has ordered Eric Holder to investigate pope Benedict XVI with a view to criminal inditement on charges of aggravated littering, as well as physical, psychic and metaphysical aggression. But according to unidentified inside sources the administration is torn in a bitter controversy over the existence of God. In a press conference hastily convened this morning, Janet Napolitano emphasized that, while action against the Vatican was good policy for a variety of reasons, it would avail nothing in the present crisis. Nature, Napolitano claims, is the guilty one. Napolitano proposes a punitive subterranean nuclear explosion if the oil is not diverted away from Washington, perhaps to the asteroid belt from where it may later be collected and used in a deep-space mission. She also proposes to indite BP on charges of conspiracy with Nature. This is a dramatic change of policy direction for the ultra-green and anti-nuclear Napolitano.
No commentary from the Vatican is available, but the AAC (American Atheist Conference) quickly denounced Napolitano's proposal, calling it "the vindictive fantasy of an ignoramus". The AAC donated 3 million dollars to president Obama's presidential campaign.
Why don't they open that portal into the hold of a tanker. :\
ReplyDelete*The oil leak is a good thing. Once the oil is all gone we can move on to better sources of power such as cow farts or butter. Though eventually cars must be superseded if we do not want to yield our present position as top creature on the planet. Cars already outnumber people, so that the revolution is at hand. Down with oil and down with cars. Let us, beside our greed, stupidity and self destructive nature, maintain our position of supremacy. Why? Why not?
ReplyDeleteActually a nuclear device may be the only way to stop this. I think russians said so when it started.
ReplyDeleteThe 20 billion dollar fund, and action by the federal justice department, will - I am confidant - soon bring this matter under-controll, and usher in our bright future of alternative and renewable energy!!
ReplyDeleteWell, it looks like they have it stopped. Microbes in the warm waters have metabolized most of the oils leaked. Turns out they do this routinely for oil seeping up as a natural process unrelated to drilling. The Warmth makes this possible. SO there is a small bit of mess on shores but it all worked out fine. This is not sarcasm. I think this is all true.
ReplyDeleteI live in southwest Florida, so this gives me extra credibility.
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